The Weekend Preview: Four News Releases

Weekend, weekend, weekend. It seems like all TDIN ever posts anymore is stuff relating to this Weekend feature, doesn’t it? We’ll have to talk to the editorial staff and see how much longer they’re planning on being on summer vacation. Because? This is so not cool.

Until that day when the writers return, we’ll just give you a brief update on how it’s going on the stock market. Uh, so, the stock market. It’s… okay. Could be better, could be worse. It’s still going sideways, in case you were expecting the entire economy to move up or down in just one day. On an economic front, the Fed Chairman, Ben Bernanke, indicated that they may be taking a break from raising interest rates for the first time in about a gazillion months. Satisfied that the stock markets were back in a buying mood based on his remarks, Bernanke left his ivory perch, took a few close associates, and descended upon the closest subway, to “help support the local economy.”

At the close of Wednesday’s bell, the Dow Jones closed at 11,011.47 points. The Nasdaq ended trading at 2,080.71 points, with the S&P 500 closing the day at 1,259.81.

Just like the Recap itself, you only read this for the movie preview. You know it. I know it. I like the financial aspect. But you don’t. You just want to know if Uma Thurman will be more popular than Johnny Depp. (The answer: No) You want to know what the plot is of Clerks II. (The answer: Plot?) So, to spare you this unbearable suspence, we now bring you a short description of movies that may or may not be half-lifted from Yahoo! Movies. Maybe. We must warn you, there are four movies opening in a wide release this weekend. And that does not make our entertainment staff happy; many a golf games were cancelled today to bring you this feature. So we hope you enjoy it. Alot.

Clerks II – Years ago, a movie came out called Clerks. And years later, they made a sequel, called Clerks II. Dante Hicks and Randal Graves are still the same, unlovable people that they’ve alwasy been. But now, instead of being mini-mall clerks, they now work at a fast-food joint! Hillarious! They frequently make fun of customers in a “we said this so our movie could be rated R”-kind of way. Eh. This lowbrow comedy, starring Kevin Smith, Jeff Anderson, and Rosario Dawson, opens on Friday.

Monster House – This weekend, audiences across America will be treated to another kid-friendly computer-animated feature film. Except, this film does not focus on animals! The plot for the film is actually quite creative: Three children realize that a neighbor’s house is actually a monster. And, being young, they devise a way to beat the monster. The one complication being that the grown-ups don’t believe them that the house is a monster! Heh. This film features the voices of Jason Lee, Maggie “I’m Jake’s sister” Gyllenhaal, Kevin James and Steve Buscemi.

Lady in the Water – Following up on The Village, which was decried for, well, everything, M. Night Shamalyan hopes to create another cult suspense classic with Lady in the Water. Paul Giamatti stars as a apartment building manager who rescues a mysterious young woman from the water, only to discover that she is actually a character from a bedtime story who is trying to make her way back into her own world. But she’s not the only character in the bedtime story, as the apartment tenants soon find out. Starring Bryce Dallas Howard’s eyes and legs.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend – So there’s this guy who has a girlfriend. The girlfriend is needy, clingy, and just won’t plain give him any room. He dumps her. Bad idea. Said girlfriend is a superhero, G-Girl. Scorned, G-Girl starts to unlease all of her powers on the boyfriend, to achieve laughter from the audience, and hopefully cult status once the film hits DVD shelves. (Don’t hold your breathe) Starring Uma “Kill Bill!” Thurman, Luke “I’m the quiet brother!” Wilson, and Wanda Sykes. (Wanda also has a cameo in Clerks II as a customer.)

There. With the window loooong gone for a golf game, we’re happy to present to you the Weekend Preview. We took an office pool, and here’s what the staff at TDIN thinks will happen this weekend:

1. Clerks II, $40-45 million. Kevin Smith has a strong cult following, and those fans will help make sure that this film is no. 1 at the box office this weekend. Plus, those fans have already seen Dead Man’s Chest. Twice.

2. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, $35-40 million. It will be a close race between these two films, and this film will still haul in a notable amount, but don’t expect another stellar weekend. In addition to it being the film’s third week, the general buzz around the movie seems to be “huh,” rather than “hee!”. It’ll easily be in second place.

3. Monster House, $25-30 million. Again, families have already seen the new Pirates movie. So why not see this movie?

4. My Super Ex-Girlfriend, $20-25 million. It’s campy, and probably won’t get the greatest buzz. But it’s a good date movie. And never understimate the income that a good date movie can draw.

5. Little Man, $16-20 million. Why? Because there is no justice in the universe. None. Period.

M. Night Shamalyan will be decried as a failure, as his new film opens up in 7th place. And yet, it’s not due to it being a bad film; most will agree that it’s a step away from The Village and more towards Unbreakable. It’s just that the box office is just plain too crowded this weekend. Blame the distributor, whom Shamalyan probably ticked off at some point. The total box office intake for this weekend will be somewhere between $120 to $130 million.

And now you have your predictions for the weekend. And now, if you’ll excuse us, we have reschedule our golf meet.

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One Response to “The Weekend Preview: Four News Releases”

  1. Reel Fanatic Says:

    I hope you’re right about Clerks 2, which is just great .. If I were still a betting man, however, I’d put all my money on Monster House

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